I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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