Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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