What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
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This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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