My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
a search helicopter?!
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
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Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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