never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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