I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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