i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize