I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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