dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
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you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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