You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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