So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
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