I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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