If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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