too bad you live with your parents still
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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