Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
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Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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