Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize