Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize