I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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