I wish my penis had an off switch
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
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Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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