My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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