Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
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The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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