u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i think my tv is drunk
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
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Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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