Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
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I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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