It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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