Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
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I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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