I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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