sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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