I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
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I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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