my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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