while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
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i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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