Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
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We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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