you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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