I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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