Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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