I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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