i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
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Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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