Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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