census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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