guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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