dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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