It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
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Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
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Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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