Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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