if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize