How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
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I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
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STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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