Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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