The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
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I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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