her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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