you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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