i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
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So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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