so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Drunk is a universal language darling
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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